big fat NEGATIVE.

WARNING: Whiny, feel-sorry-for-myself-ish post ahead... just gotta get it out of my system...

Ergh. Nine days ago marked the end of another IVF cycle with a spectacular failure. Well, not spectacular. Just run-of-the-mill, I guess, but every failure like this is spectacular to the people going through it.

(not really us)

I just really want another baby. I know it may sound silly to some, because I have three amazing, gorgeous, hilarious, smart, fun, wonderful children. Why would I need more? And I don't. If I never have another child, I will still count myself MORE than blessed. But, I really want more. I feel like there are more children for our family. And then I feel guilty trying for more! I feel like I'm being selfish! Logically, I'm pretty sure that's unfounded. I mean, I don't think people who don't need to do fertility treatments are selfish for having a van-full of kids, for having as many children as they want, as are right for their family! Why do I feel slightly embarrassed to tell people that we're pursuing MORE treatments, after already having a larger-than-average family? (And when did THREE kids become a large family?!) And then I'm ticked that I feel embarrassed, so I tell more people, in a show of defiance. The nurses at the clinic probably think I'm a nut job. One child is the norm here in Bulgaria. We are a circus.

I feel selfish because I know what it's like to be the person with ZERO children. To be sitting in church on Mother's Day trying not to cry. To be wishing for just one. Just one little child to be my very own. IVF is not a sure thing. It is soooooo not a sure thing! In fact, the success rate is only 30-35% for women under 35. Of course, it goes down the older a woman is. So many couples undergo the process -- several times -- and come out with NOTHING. Just a bloated midsection, a depleted savings account (unless they're one of the lucky few with insurance that covers it, and even then it's usually not all of it), and more crushed dreams. Because trying and failing is soul-crushing. It is even when you're NOT doing treatments, but then when you realize you have a problem and this... this should be the magic fix. Ugh. We were super blessed, and our very first IVF cycle resulted in our twins. The golden outcome! Our second one gave us Maeve. Exactly what we wanted. We were IVF pros.

Before IVF, though, we did the less-invasive IUI (intra-uterine insemination) procedure. Basically, the turkey baster method. Three times. Or four. I can never remember. And each negative from those cycles was a knock-the-wind-outta-ya blow. When you don't have children, and that happens to be what you want most in the world, THREE is a treasure beyond imagination. And so, I can't help but think of the many, many, many women out there who are longing for juuuust one... and here I am sad that my number FOUR is not coming easily.

I clearly remember the despair I felt at the beginning of our journey into Infertility Land, and the joy we have now is absolutely incomparable. The Lord truly had a plan in mind for us, even when things looked grimmer than grim. We have said many times to each other that "it would have been nice if...BUT we wouldn't change a thing about our journey because LOOK AT WHAT WE GOT!" We can only trust now that everything will be okay. It's been proven to us already. In many aspects of our lives, not just this one.

Oh man, we wanted these little ones badly. I felt like it was full-time job, trying to get them here. Especially our first cycle, for Nuala and Bran. The insurance battles, the research, the invasive and painful tests, the changing of infertility clinics THREE times to find the one that was right for us, discovering the shared-egg program that would actually make IVF affordable after our insurance emotionally gutted us by refusing to pay a cent for the process, the daily shots, the frequent ultrasounds and bloodwork... I'm feeling stressed again just thinking about it... It was pretty horrible. Worth it, but horrible. I can't help but feel accomplished that we did all that. Overseas IVF? A piece of cake, for the most part. It's so much cheaper and there are waaaay fewer hurdles to jump through.

And we have been/are looking into adoption to grow our family. Adoption is neither easy, nor inexpensive, but it's definitely something we are interested in. IVF, while living overseas, has been affordable (between $4 and $5,000 in Uruguay for Maeve, and here in Bulgaria, compared to $12,000+ in the States) and, despite all that's involved, relatively easy. (Just for the record, our Bran and Nuala cycle was only around $4000 in the States, too, with no insurance help. The program where I donated half of my eggs to another couple ("shared egg") lowered our price a ton.) But man... if this IVF stuff isn't going to work anymore, those $4500/cycle begins to add up. We had a cycle cancelled last May because the eggs they retrieved were lame. All of the measly five (seriously, despite normal hormone levels, I've been going totally downhill egg-wise these last few years. Guess that's what getting older'll do!) they sucked outta me were bad quality. We didn't have to pay for the last bit of the cycle (fertilizing the eggs and then tranferring embryos back), but we were still out a big chunk. Luckily, things improved this cycle (I credit royal jelly. Maybe).

Anyway, even "cheap" cycles add up, and when they're successful, that's OF COURSE not a big deal, but all that money down the drain for nothing is sickening. Adoptions aren't guaranteed either, but I keep thinking about the dent the failed cycles' cost would make in the cost of an adoption. I'm not second-guessing our choices, because we feel 100% right in the decisions we've made for OUR family. But 9k gone, with no babe, these last two tries is nothing to sneeze at.

Grrrrumph. Anyway, I just felt the need to vent. Publicly. And, to continue the whining, now we have to wait at least until we move to Okinawa in August to figure out the next step. And if we try IVF again, I have to start alllll over with a new clinic! Just seems kinda daunting. But, it is what it is. And if this post is somewhat gloomy, that's because it is. BUT, I'm not. Not overall, anyway. I'm fine, just in a discouraging situation. Or, you could say, just going through life. Ups and downs and all that jazz, but thankfully, way more ups than downs. Now, I'm off to kiss the sweetly-sleeping babes I DO have! See? Way more ups!