big fat NEGATIVE.

WARNING: Whiny, feel-sorry-for-myself-ish post ahead... just gotta get it out of my system...

Ergh. Nine days ago marked the end of another IVF cycle with a spectacular failure. Well, not spectacular. Just run-of-the-mill, I guess, but every failure like this is spectacular to the people going through it.

(not really us)

I just really want another baby. I know it may sound silly to some, because I have three amazing, gorgeous, hilarious, smart, fun, wonderful children. Why would I need more? And I don't. If I never have another child, I will still count myself MORE than blessed. But, I really want more. I feel like there are more children for our family. And then I feel guilty trying for more! I feel like I'm being selfish! Logically, I'm pretty sure that's unfounded. I mean, I don't think people who don't need to do fertility treatments are selfish for having a van-full of kids, for having as many children as they want, as are right for their family! Why do I feel slightly embarrassed to tell people that we're pursuing MORE treatments, after already having a larger-than-average family? (And when did THREE kids become a large family?!) And then I'm ticked that I feel embarrassed, so I tell more people, in a show of defiance. The nurses at the clinic probably think I'm a nut job. One child is the norm here in Bulgaria. We are a circus.

I feel selfish because I know what it's like to be the person with ZERO children. To be sitting in church on Mother's Day trying not to cry. To be wishing for just one. Just one little child to be my very own. IVF is not a sure thing. It is soooooo not a sure thing! In fact, the success rate is only 30-35% for women under 35. Of course, it goes down the older a woman is. So many couples undergo the process -- several times -- and come out with NOTHING. Just a bloated midsection, a depleted savings account (unless they're one of the lucky few with insurance that covers it, and even then it's usually not all of it), and more crushed dreams. Because trying and failing is soul-crushing. It is even when you're NOT doing treatments, but then when you realize you have a problem and this... this should be the magic fix. Ugh. We were super blessed, and our very first IVF cycle resulted in our twins. The golden outcome! Our second one gave us Maeve. Exactly what we wanted. We were IVF pros.

Before IVF, though, we did the less-invasive IUI (intra-uterine insemination) procedure. Basically, the turkey baster method. Three times. Or four. I can never remember. And each negative from those cycles was a knock-the-wind-outta-ya blow. When you don't have children, and that happens to be what you want most in the world, THREE is a treasure beyond imagination. And so, I can't help but think of the many, many, many women out there who are longing for juuuust one... and here I am sad that my number FOUR is not coming easily.

I clearly remember the despair I felt at the beginning of our journey into Infertility Land, and the joy we have now is absolutely incomparable. The Lord truly had a plan in mind for us, even when things looked grimmer than grim. We have said many times to each other that "it would have been nice if...BUT we wouldn't change a thing about our journey because LOOK AT WHAT WE GOT!" We can only trust now that everything will be okay. It's been proven to us already. In many aspects of our lives, not just this one.

Oh man, we wanted these little ones badly. I felt like it was full-time job, trying to get them here. Especially our first cycle, for Nuala and Bran. The insurance battles, the research, the invasive and painful tests, the changing of infertility clinics THREE times to find the one that was right for us, discovering the shared-egg program that would actually make IVF affordable after our insurance emotionally gutted us by refusing to pay a cent for the process, the daily shots, the frequent ultrasounds and bloodwork... I'm feeling stressed again just thinking about it... It was pretty horrible. Worth it, but horrible. I can't help but feel accomplished that we did all that. Overseas IVF? A piece of cake, for the most part. It's so much cheaper and there are waaaay fewer hurdles to jump through.

And we have been/are looking into adoption to grow our family. Adoption is neither easy, nor inexpensive, but it's definitely something we are interested in. IVF, while living overseas, has been affordable (between $4 and $5,000 in Uruguay for Maeve, and here in Bulgaria, compared to $12,000+ in the States) and, despite all that's involved, relatively easy. (Just for the record, our Bran and Nuala cycle was only around $4000 in the States, too, with no insurance help. The program where I donated half of my eggs to another couple ("shared egg") lowered our price a ton.) But man... if this IVF stuff isn't going to work anymore, those $4500/cycle begins to add up. We had a cycle cancelled last May because the eggs they retrieved were lame. All of the measly five (seriously, despite normal hormone levels, I've been going totally downhill egg-wise these last few years. Guess that's what getting older'll do!) they sucked outta me were bad quality. We didn't have to pay for the last bit of the cycle (fertilizing the eggs and then tranferring embryos back), but we were still out a big chunk. Luckily, things improved this cycle (I credit royal jelly. Maybe).

Anyway, even "cheap" cycles add up, and when they're successful, that's OF COURSE not a big deal, but all that money down the drain for nothing is sickening. Adoptions aren't guaranteed either, but I keep thinking about the dent the failed cycles' cost would make in the cost of an adoption. I'm not second-guessing our choices, because we feel 100% right in the decisions we've made for OUR family. But 9k gone, with no babe, these last two tries is nothing to sneeze at.

Grrrrumph. Anyway, I just felt the need to vent. Publicly. And, to continue the whining, now we have to wait at least until we move to Okinawa in August to figure out the next step. And if we try IVF again, I have to start alllll over with a new clinic! Just seems kinda daunting. But, it is what it is. And if this post is somewhat gloomy, that's because it is. BUT, I'm not. Not overall, anyway. I'm fine, just in a discouraging situation. Or, you could say, just going through life. Ups and downs and all that jazz, but thankfully, way more ups than downs. Now, I'm off to kiss the sweetly-sleeping babes I DO have! See? Way more ups!

I love IVF

I was walking back from the park one day last week, wrestling the stroller up and down not-very-stroller-friendly curbs while Nuala and Bran lazily munched on crackers, when an older, sharply-dressed woman who was power-walking purposefully past us noticed the two same-sized children and screeched to a halt. "Son mellizos?" Are they twins? Normal question. The next question was a surprise to me. "Did they happen naturally or did you do a procedure?"

Usually people are curious about multiples, and for some reason really want to know how you (well, me, in this case) were lucky enough to get two blessings for the price of one. But I, unlike many moms of multiples, have never been asked in my 3-years of pregnancy/motherhood quite so flat-out, and by an older woman, the how-to of Bran and Nuala. Usually people dance around the question, with inquiries such as, "Oh, do twins run in your family?" (which I love to answer with, "no, but they did in our doctor's office!" haha..followed by a confused expression and my IVF explanation.) So it was kind of a surprise. Which was a little refreshing, the directness. Maybe it wouldn't have been quite so refreshing if she had just been an obnoxiously nose-in-your-business kind of person, I guess, but further conversation revealed that her daughter has been doing IUIs (intra-uterine insemination) and is about to move on to IVF so she had a real interest in the subject. By the way, IUIs = total waste of money. At least for us. Bleh.

Honestly, I usually volunteer the information that Nuala and Bran are our IVF miracles. If we end up talking about them for more than a couple of sentences, I usually pop out with, "yeah, we did IVF..." so I have no qualms about talking about it. In fact, I probably give out a little too much information.

Here are the two reasons for my openness...

One: to be a bright and shining (or frazzled and crazy) ray of hope, and source of info if necessary, to others who might be going through the same struggle, or if nothing else to just raise awareness about infertility.

Two: ...is kind of embarrassing...I feel as if I'm going to come off sounding so...prideful. But here it is. I'm, um...sorta proud (see how I fear I will seem "prideful"?) of all the hard work that went into getting these two! Maybe "proud" is not the right word. I feel that sweet sense of accomplishment that one gets from fighting a battle and finally prevailing. An emotionally, financially, mentally, and physically draining battle in which we were mercilessly knocked down so many times yet were able to struggle back to our feet. Not at all to imply that natural pregnancies are devoid of hard work or are any less yearned for by the parents. Being pregnant is hard work. Period. Just because someone got pregnant the fun way doesn't make their babies any less wanted or important. Same with adoption. But, heck! IVF is a pain! In so many ways. And we went through it and were so blessed, SO blessed to have a successful and healthy pregnancy and delivery. So blessed to finally have our babies. And I know our IVF success wasn't due to me or my awesome uterus (though it was highly praised by several doctors, thank you very much...what, you didn't want to know that??)

I know 100% of the credit is due to our Heavenly Father. We did all we could, but in the end, it was totally in His hands. And I thank Him for these children many times a day (yep! even on the rascally days, which we have been experiencing MANY of lately...). I am also exceedingly grateful for the blessings of modern science, the amazingly microscopic and detailed procedures that allowed us the privilege of caring for these two very choice little spirits.

And the procedures are amazing. Such as: ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection). The doc grabs one single sperm by the "neck," and says,"hey you! You're gonna fertilize this egg or die trying!" and manually injects the eager little swimmer staight into the egg. Who'da thought? I'm so grateful to have these medical advances available!

Which brings me to another somewhat eye-rolling aspect of the whole fertility treatment thing. Thankfully this has never been expressed to my face, but soooo much online from comments on news stories, or wherever, I hear "obviously God didn't mean for these people to have children!" Oh, pul-LEASE. If that were the case, no amount of effort or ingenious medical procedures are going to circumvent Him. Come on. It's insulting to Him, I think, to imply that if He truly meant for someone to not have children, that He wouldn't have the power to enforce His will, that a mere mortal could dink around with some sperm and eggs and create a life behind His back. And when does anyone know God's plan for other people? or even for themselves, for that matter? Do they not understand the concept of trials, and of doing all you can do when faced with a trial and leaving the rest up to Him?

And of course I don't understand all the "why's" behind why some wonderful people are not blessed in this life with children while the 14-yr-old down the street is pregnant, or the whole Octomom situation... There's a lot of stuff I don't understand. I don't worry too much about it. He has told us "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways...For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).

I love how Nephi, a prophet in the Book of Mormon, says it: "...I know that he loveth his children, nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things (1 Nephi 11:17). Me, too. Though I don't know the meaning of all things or have all the answers, I DO know He loves His children and has a plan for each of us, and I'm very grateful that Nuala and Bran are included in that plan for me. I didn't "sneak" them behind his back. He willingly and lovingly gave them to me.

Medical advancements, including fertility treatments, are a blessing. The Lord put the knowledge on earth to bless people. Sure, like all knowledge, people can use it for good or ill (Octomom...wow...though I don't believe for a second that those babies are mistakes in any way, but the situation...), and I have no problem taking advantage of the technology available to bring my babies into the world. Did I say, "no problem?" I meant: I am beyond thrilled that it's available! I am also thrilled that my not-so-great vision (thanks, Dad!) can be easily corrected by wearing contacts/glasses, and while we're on the subject, boy was I grateful that not only did someone utilize the technology to create life-flight helicopters, but that one could get my sister to a competant doctor quickly enough after a car accident in the middle of nowhere so that he could use other medical advancements to save her life. AND I have fillings. Etc, etc. See what I mean?

I believe in a God who enlightens His children, in all aspects of their lives. He can inspire men and women to innovate and create and discover, leading to great progress for all mankind, and He also can guide each of us in our personal lives and decisions, such as how to go about building a family. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths (Proverbs 3:5-6). And for that, I am grateful.

So...I love IVF. Not so much all the "fun" little details of it, but because through it, I have my children.

{And also because I can truthfully say, when Nuala and Bran ask how babies are made, "well, we went to the doctor and told him we wanted a baby, so he got you and your brother ready and put you inside mommy's tummy..." heehee ;) No! I won't! I mean, they'll know all about how we got them, but I'll fill 'em in on the real facts o' life, don't worry...}